Put Down the Krispy Kreme
and Slowly Back Away
It is no surprise that we are a country of fat asses; this is well documented. It may, though, come as some surprise to reveal that I exercise varying degrees of judgment on the large Marges of the world. Oh I know most of you see me as a loving, soft-hearted person with open arms for all people. In truth, when I see a fat fatty fat fat walking down the street or more likely, sitting in a restaurant, I, like Stan of South Park, want to scream out "when you walk down the street people go, 'goddamnit that's a big, fat ass.'"
Of course, what's the harm, right? If someone wants to eat themselves to an early grave, raise medical costs and health insurance premiums for us all, crowd the hospitals with preventable procedures, crowd the escalators and narrow hallways of the world, and eat from sunrise to sundown, they are only hurting themselves, and why should I complain? I'll tell you why -- they are taking up my seat.
Yes that is right. The time has come for me to stand up and say something. This morning on the bus I noticed an extremely large, fairly young girl, spilling her ass over one of the narrow seats into the second. One would have to be extremely skinny to be able to fit in the portion of the seat that remained free. These seats are not first class by any standard, but two average or slightly-above-average-sized people should be able to sit side by side on them. Anyway, it was at that time that another fairly young girl who appeared to be on her way to the University of Minnesota sat down in the seat in front of her. I swear to God, what went through my mind was "goddamnit that's a big, fat ass." It was huge. It was a marvel. It was like two small moons orbiting her spinal column had collided and came to rest side by side. No, it was more like two State-Fair Blue Ribbon winning sows were wrapped in a tarp and were there in front of me. And here is the problem - she not only took up her allotted seat and spilled into the second, but she nearly took up all of BOTH seats. What if the bus was crowded? Where would someone sit, if that was the only remaining seat? The answer is they would not sit anywhere. Due to her immensely fat ass, that person would be forced to stand. It is with this revelation that the time has come for the average or slightly above average weight people of the world finally are provoked to speak out.
It doesn't make any sense. If you are too damn fat, set down the Krispy Kreme and slowly back away. I'm insensitive? I don't understand the reasons people are overweight, the biological and chemical reasons, the psychological need to self-medicate problems with food, the loneliness, the fear, the enormity of life's problems that forces a person to become obese? Maybe. But I think I have enough of an idea, and enough of a built-in bullsh!t detector to know that the vast majority of overweight people are completely capable of returning to a normal weight.
The excellent documentary Supersize Me goes a long ways to exposing, as if it needed it, the result of eating lazily. Don't want to cook? Just grab some fast food, and while you are ordering, don't forget your extra large pants that you'll need if you eat such food often enough. It's no surprise that one should not live exclusively on fast food alone, which is Morgan's 30-day quest for this documentary (and only McDonald's food, specifically). But what is surprising is just how bad it was for him.
On the second day, he was asked for the first time if he wanted to "super size" his order. As stated, if ever asked, he had to say yes. As he choked down the food in his van in the parking lot, he described what it was doing to his body. "That's a lot of food, man. You get all that super size stuff... It's like a work out." It took him around a half hour to eat it all, but it was not a smooth ride. He described he he was starting to get a McStomachAche, complete with some McGurggles and McGas. He felt a McBrick inside, and started to break out in McSweats. His arms were McTwitching due to all the sugar pumping through his veins. And there was another effect that he did not name, but I will: McBarf. He actually had to puke out the window. It was so much food, and of a nature that his body was just not used to, that it was rejected. Wow.
Another striking moment comes fairly early in the film when there is a graph charting the spread of obesity in America from 1980 to around 2000. At first you see the continental states pretty much all in white. Then in the early 80's you see a couple light blue states appearing, indicating states that began to have a certain percentage of obese people. As the years ticked by one by one, you see the light blue color spread across the lower 48, and then some dark blue started, indicating an even higher percentage of obese people. As more years ticked by, the dark blue states spread throughout the country, and by the time we got up to a fairly current year, nearly the entire country was marked by a red color, an even-higher-still indicator of just how fat we have become. It makes your stomach hurt just watching the progression.
Is it easy to be lazy and to become fat in today's world, what with all our cushy desk jobs, technically superior home entertainment systems, cold-weather climate, and kegs full of homebrew in the downstairs fridge? You bet your fat ass. It's a struggle. Speaking for myself, I don't have much of any physical demands put upon my body from my job, unlike many folks. If my body is going to get any exercise and activity, I have to try. So, I do. I don't need to get in to the details, but I work fairly hard at keeping in at least some relatively decent shape. Not only do I exercise, but I keep at least one eye on what I'm eating too. So far, so good. Now if I can only secure a seat on the bus when I'm riding it now that the cold weather is here, I'll be as happy as a fat man in a chocolate store.
Addendum: Now I'm really cheesed off. Reports (such as here or here) show that the increasing size of our waistlines is raising fuel costs for airlines to lug our sorry fat butts hither and thither. That means acceptable-weighted folks are paying more than they should. Grr. Lastly, the increase in fuel consumption means more pollution is being produced. ...I know there's a joke or two there, but I can't bring myself to find one just now. If you do, send it to me and I'll post it here.